Besides obvious things like the fact that you pee your pants when you sneeze, here are the top ten signs you’re a mom. You know, just in case you’re so sleep deprived at this point that you’re not really even sure whose kids those are…
You might be a mom if…
1. You routinely utter phrases like “oh don’t worry, that’s not poop,” and don’t think twice about it.
2. You’ve wrangled a toddler who is having a category 5 meltdown because he can’t have candy right this f-ing minute!?! whilst paying the grocery bill AND holding a pacifier in a baby’s mouth…. but it turned out that it wasn’t even your baby crying. These days you just seem to react instinctively to the sound of crying.
3. You wipe other people’s asses more than your own.
4. You didn’t understand why anyone still wore mom jeans even though it’s widely known that every one looks ridiculously dorky in said mom jeans…. … … that was, you didn’t understand until you became a mom and promptly realized the absolute brilliance of pants that button above the post baby pouch and hold that shit in! Luckily, shortly thereafter, you also discovered the splendor of yoga pants at which point you became the happiest bitch on the block all because of one glorious pair of black yoga pants even if they never actually have seen the inside of a yoga studio.
5. You would, hands down no questions asked, choose a week of sleeping in until 10am over a lap dance from Channing Tatum because sleep is just that friggin’ glorious plus he would probably sweat on you anyway, and let’s be honest… you’re probably not going to have time to shower this week anyway.
6. You feel guilty when you do something for yourself…
7. You may or may not have left your house once or twice with your nipple hanging out of your shirt…but it was only once or twice (….a week) at the beginning but whatever, who’s counting? And that shirt always felt rather breezy anyway… not to mention the fact that the extent of sleep deprivation brought on by new motherhood is a hall pass in and of itself for these types of social blunders.
8. You have more stale french fries in your car than gas… unless of course you’re pregnant, in which case you probably have enough gas for a cross country trip.
9. You experience more joy in that minute before you go to bed as you peek in on your sleeping children than you did in a lifetime before they were born.
10. You wouldn’t change it for the world even if you don’t ever get to go to the bathroom alone again!
It’s crazy. It’s nuts. It’s motherhood, and you’re rocking’ it.
Now pass it on!
Do you like parenting humor but prefer a side of love with your laughter?
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PS – If you’ve subscribed before, you might not actually be on the list due to my delirium from sleep deprivation, thus I did not realize the subscription link was broken for awhile – sorry! All fixed now 🙂