Picking Up the Pieces… Day One & I’m Dropping the B-Word

 

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recovering from postpartum depression mom blog image

Wow… I knew it had been a long time, but I didn’t realize it has been over three months since I have blogged.  The last post I wrote was about starting to heal from what was likely late onset postpartum depression.  At that time, I had started on some antidepressant medication and was beginning to feel better, but… the part that I was afraid to blog about, thus I conveniently left out of that post, involved the big “b-word.”

I’m hesitant to even say it because every time I drop the b-word, people, and I mean a substantial amount of people, unfollow my blog.  So what’s the big “b-word” you ask?

Breastfeeding…

There I said it.

I was afraid that anytime I mentioned the fact that I was breastfeeding my second child, I was upsetting or offending mothers who had not been able to breastfeed or didn’t have a good experience.  With my first child, I had about every problem in the book with breastfeeding, and he ended up weaning himself months before I was ready.  It was a devastating experience and the thought that I could be making someone else feel bad enough to unlike my page simply because I mentioned that I was breastfeeding my child, made me feel horrible so I just stopped mentioning it.

But now I have to mention the breastfeeding because it’s part of my story.  My “story”… aka the story that I wanted to tell here on my little mommy blog was one of hope – an uplifting story that would relate to today’s average mother who might be struggling with the day to day, but maybe also with some bigger issues like emotional, financial, relationship, etc… I always knew that I wanted to keep the real, candid part of motherhood that comes so naturally to me alive on In the Mom Light, but I just had this underlying vision for that myself, and anyone reading, that we would all somehow grow together into confident moms, hold virtual hands, and skip off into the sunset singing “kumbaya! we fucking rock.”  End of story.

Except when put to paper, real life doesn’t always read like a good Mitch Albom book.. at least it doesn’t for me anyway…  but, with my last post about starting on antidepressants, I thought that I would finally be headed in the right direction to tell that oh so hopeful story that I wanted SO, SO badly to tell.  So I blogged again that day back in October and then…

I started to, umm how do you say it, not really do so well.  So then, I just avoided writing all together because it only reminded me that I didn’t currently have a happy story to tell.  And I couldn’t even bring the funny that I am typically so good at bringing to lighten the mood.  At that time, I was only on a mild antidepressant because I was still breastfeeding, so while that medicine was able to take the edge off of the “I’m going to punch someone in the face and then cry because I’m hopeless about life” feeling, I wasn’t exactly able to get back to myself like I thought I would.

It has been over three months since that post, and today, it has also been two weeks to the day since I have breastfed my son.  And… last night, I pumped for what I hope was the last time which brings me back to what this means for me today…

Today, this means that I can start on medication for ADHD.

I am scared to share this information because it is always so awkward to look friends in the eye who I don’t talk to this stuff about in person, but I know read it on my blog…

I am scared because by admitting this, it feels like I am, in some way, holding up a white flag right in front of the people who always “knew there was something wrong with me”…

I am scared because mental health issues are so incredibly intangible, and putting this information down in writing leaves me wondering even more than ever what the hell my problem is when I have so many friends and family who have real, tangible problems like infertility, special needs children, terminally ill family members, cancer, etc. and I have been blessed with such a beautiful and healthy little family…

I am scared because I don’t want to be judged for taking medicine or even to be judged for not taking medicine sooner since I was breastfeeding a child who was, by the way, a toddler (almost 20 months old now)…

I am also scared to be judged for my “extended breastfeeding” especially given my mental health situation, but there’s more to that story than I can tell in one blog post…

I’m scared for too many reasons to list, but here I am still openly sharing despite my fears because for some reason, I feel compelled to do so.

I don’t know why I feel so compelled to share this typically not socially acceptable to talk about publicly kind of information.  I’m not really all that religious, but I do believe in God, and I don’t know what it is, but something inside me just tells me to share my “story” albeit not quite yet the hopeful version I long for.

So here I am sharing even though I feel vulnerable.  Each time I do get the guts to share I get so many messages from people who have been comforted by what I’ve written, so I have to believe it’s the right thing to do even though right now it feels like I’m standing naked in front of a crowd of fully clothed people looking at me and wondering what the hell I’m doing baring my imperfect, post child self in a society of photoshop’d perfection.

And so, here I am today… baring my soul on day one of my real, raw, unedited story that might not yet have the kumbaya worthy ending I’m looking for, but I hope you’ll stay tuned because I’m really starting to think that this “story” might eventually write itself a happy ending.  Maybe that glint of positivity is just the medication talking, but hey, I’ll take it.

And now, with a little bit of nervous throw up cresting in my mouth, I’m going to hit “publish,” and go out and grab Monday by the balls!!!

….or with one quivering hand gripping my coffee mug and the other holding a bottle of psych meds – whatever!  Have a great day all!

 

I swear not all of my posts are this long and babbly…use the link below if you would like to sign up to follow along my crazy, but wonderful journey to find confidence as a mom.

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