You may have noticed that I haven’t blogged in awhile, or maybe you don’t care at all, I don’t know, but yeah so… I haven’t blogged in over a month. The reason is because I’ve come down with a case of the crazies. Now if you’re someone that has known me for a long time, I know what you’re thinking – that I always had a touch of the crazies, but hear me out because this is a whole new level.
I’ve known and accepted for years that I have anxiety. Like legitimate, medical problem anxiety. Whatever, so I can’t be I’m alone in the dark without my 16 rabbit’s feet for good luck. Not that big of a deal, right? Then, there’s the whole ADHD thing, which I’ve been told most of my life that I have, but is a diagnosis that I’ve tried to elude for some time now until recently when I saw this video on the Internet of a guy with ADHD describing himself and was like, “Holy shit, that’s me! I totally do have ADHD.” You know, because all of those years when licensed medical professionals tried to tell me what was messed up in my head really mean nothing next to a good Internet video.
Now that I have an ADHD diagnosis from such a reputable source, I have finally kind of, sort of, not really, but yeah ok I accepted it… except that I still deny it sometimes and make a lot of jokes about ADHD, but anyway, I really need to get to the point here…
After accepting that [maybe] I’m two kinds of crazy, the therapist hit me with this shit —> I have mild depression, except that she just said depression, and I added the word mild after reading about depression on the, you guessed it, INTERNET! In all seriousness though, I do think my case of depression is mild because I don’t cry that often, and I, fortunately, don’t have thoughts of hurting myself or anyone else. Mostly, I’m just really, really lazy.
I was always a type A perfectionist, and suddenly, one day, I just became apathetic towards almost everything in my life (except my children and husband); like I literally just don’t give a shit about virtually anything. It’s so weird. And so not me… there was even the time last month when I called my boss and told him to fire me, which worked out kind of weird when instead of doing that, he ended up quitting, and it was also around this time that the medication was made borderline mandatory for me, but I’m getting off topic again here, which is that I’m *slightly* depressed. I guess it’s a relief that I’m not just a lazy piece of shit, but I have to say that mostly it still does kind of feel like that’s what I am.
And there you have it, I have a trifecta of crazy known as anxiety, ADHD, and depression. Well I guess it’s more like a four-fecta since there’s the whole PTSD thing that I also “show signs of,” but as has been explained to me, “Everyone has shit they’ve dealt with.”
I know what you’re thinking – this girl totally does have ADD and I wish she would just get to the fucking point, which is the drugs. Ahhh the good stuff.
I’m taking drugs. Zoloft to be exact. Some of my fellow mom blogging Internet friends who have openly admitted to “using” LEGAL and PRESCRIPTION medications have been widely and publicly criticized for “taking the easy road,” which is such a re-gosh-darn-diculous thing to say it makes me want to butter up a monkey and jump kick him in the monkey teeth because that’s about the only thing I can think of that would be as asinine as accusing a mom who is big enough to accept the fact that she needs help of “taking the easy way.”
I mean it’s not like we’re not pro athletes juicing up on steroids so we can hit a 90 mile an hour fast ball. We’re moms who just want to take a shower more than once a week, and leave the house in a condition that only partially embarrasses our children instead of sending them running for the hills all, “I only have a dad. I swear that swamp creature totally isn’t my mom. She’s just some bat crazy cat lady neighbor who my dad paid to drive me to school because my mom was too busy being all normal and awesome.” But you know what? Taking that occasional shower in order to drive the kids to school requires getting out of bed, and some people just can’t do that without the medication…
Oh, and in case you’re wondering, here’s what the face of crazy looks like when you’ve showered and put on makeup, so look out, I could be lurking anywhere disguised as what’s deemed “normal” in our society…
An aside (or two or four)…
I whole heartedly believe in treating mental health disorders naturally and have tried things like gluten free, dairy free, sugar free, breathing, meditation, exercise, essential oils, and standing on my head in a field of daisies, but you see, the thing is that, for me, I needed the medication in the first place to even be able to fathom doing all of the above.
PS – Friends and family – please don’t feel obliged to call and put me on suicide watch after reading this. I’m good. I’m coming out the other side now, and I’ve got A TON of support from my husband, therapist, and medication manager – that’s right, I have a manager 😉
PPS – In the past, some friends and family have been uncomfortable with my putting all of this “personal” info out there and wonder why I do. The “why” is two fold – one because I’m sick of trying to hide in shame that I’m not “normal,” and two is because when I put my crazy out there on a platter, I always get emails saying how I’ve touched someone’s life by sharing my story, which is awesome and a great reason to admit that I’m a bit loco.
And one more thing…. I make jokes about things that some people find inappropriate and offensive on this website. You didn’t pay to be here, so I can’t give you your money back, but may I suggest using the little “X” at the top of the page to close the window instead of leaving a mean comment because it took me a really long fucking time to come to a place to put myself out there like this, and I don’t really want or need to be criticized about it. I felt “safe” doing it in the context of jokes, and it makes a topic that is uncomfortable to talk about in our society a little less squeamish for people like myself. Have a peachy day.
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