Happy Wife = Happy Life: 10 Rules for Husbands to Live By


Hilarious rules women wish their husbands lived by. Also a FREE printable image

1.  A little wine and romance will go further towards getting me in mood than humping my leg like a horny golden retriever.  Also, helping around the house will have the same effect on me as alcohol does on a high school girl on prom night.

2.  If I’m getting ready to start my period or I have my period while we are arguing and you don’t have chocolate in hand, you’re basically swimming with sharks while bleeding – nice knowing you.

3.  My retail therapy is the female equivalent to your sports obsession, so don’t intervene unless you want me to return the favor.

4.  It’s not called “nagging.”  It’s called asking you for the 637th time to do something that I shouldn’t have had to ask about in the first place, and don’t even call me a nag or I’ll hang your balls out to dry for at least two weeks.

5.  If I’m acting crazy, remember, I didn’t choose to be born with hormone induced rage blackouts, but you chose to marry me.  So who’s the crazy one here???

6. Remember you’re going home with me so stick up for me to your mother OR ELSE.

7.  I have yet to meet anyone who has died of a cold.  Not really a rule, but just some food for thought…

8.  If you want me to stop talking, acknowledge you heard me, and I’ll shut up (maybe).

9.  I get an “I’m right” trump card that’s good for 5 years times infinity for every human that emerged from my body.  Game. Set. Match.  End of argument.

10.  Even when I actually am being a crazy bitch, always remember that I’m your crazy bitch, and you know you LOVE me.


Click here to download the world’s ugliest FREE printable of the above guide.  I recommend printing it and leaving it lying around the house for him to find….. hopefully he has a good sense of humor about things.  If not, be ready to trade sexual favors to get yourself out of the doghouse 😉


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  1. Said perfectly Kelly and seriously why is it that shopping gets the made fun of, but sports ares supposed to be off limits with them and something that should be held in the highest regard. Get so aggravated with that one and yes I nag, but don’t have to keep being told I do!! Really great and seriously thanks for writing this one!!
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  2. “Nice knowing you.” Ha! I could pretty much tack that onto the end of everything I say to my husband when I’m PMSing. Great list (of course I couldn’t resist pinning it)! 😉
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  3. Number 8 all the way!!! If I had a dollar for every time I had to ask if he heard what I said, I would be a kazillionaire!! Excellent list. P.S. I call the week of my period Shark Week, for just that reason.

  4. My response to this crap that someone I know posted and declared as ‘awesome’. The original 10 ‘steps’ are numbered, my responses are preceded with a hyphen under each numbered step. Enjoy!

    1. A little wine and romance will go further towards getting me in mood than humping my leg like a horny golden retriever. Also, helping around the house will have the same effect on me as alcohol does on a high school girl on prom night.

    – Why is it the guy’s job to get a woman in the mood? And why is his doing housework being equated with sex? This is basically saying a woman allowing sex is a reward for him being a good obedient man. If this is the case, a woman getting off her ass to mow the lawn, fix the car, or shovel the snow should make a guy horny and be kind enough to allow her some sexual gratification shouldn’t it?

    2. If I’m getting ready to start my period or I have my period while we are arguing and you don’t have chocolate in hand, you’re basically swimming with sharks while bleeding – nice knowing you.

    – Because women are such incompetent children that they cannot control themselves while menstruating? Or perhaps it’s just another excuse to treat a man like crap once a month with out having to have any personal accountability.

    3. My retail therapy is the female equivalent to your sports obsession, so don’t intervene unless you want me to return the favor.

    – One costs money, the other doesn’t. How is this even comparable?

    4. It’s not called “nagging.” It’s called asking you for the 637th time to do something that I shouldn’t have had to ask about in the first place, and don’t even call me a nag or I’ll hang your balls out to dry for at least two weeks.

    – No, it’s nagging. If you have to ask that many times, maybe get off your ass and do it yourself.

    5. If I’m acting crazy, remember, I didn’t choose to be born with hormone induced rage blackouts, but you chose to marry me. So who’s the crazy one here???

    – Oh please! Another bullshit excuse for women to abdicate any personal responsibility for their own actions.

    6. Remember you’re going home with me so stick up for me to your mother OR ELSE.

    – In other words, treat me like a child and fight for me, and other women, because we are unable to defend ourselves on our own.

    7. I have yet to meet anyone who has died of a cold. Not really a rule, but just some food for thought…

    – A nice jab saying men are babies when sick. Because we all know men never drag their asses to work even when they feel run down or sick right?

    8. If you want me to stop talking, acknowledge you heard me, and I’ll shut up (maybe).

    – Why don’t you just shut the fuck up? His failure to acknowledge you is his way of telling you to STFU! Try reading HIS signals once and a while.

    9. I get an “I’m right” trump card that’s good for 5 years times infinity for every human that emerged from my body. Game. Set. Match. End of argument.

    – Being the only one in the relationship that is biologically made to give birth does not entitle you to special treatment. So you had a kid? Welcome to the real world. Now suck it up and stop being a child. Having birthed children does not make you automatically right for anything. If you are going to use this bullshit argument, then the man gets to have an “I’m right” trump card for every meal he puts on the table, every hour of overtime he works, every time he’s told to ‘man up’, etc… And the next child you have has to be birthed with NO pain meds or pain management, and no pre-scheduled c-section. Then MAYBE you will be allowed a moment of sympathy.

    10. Even when I actually am being a crazy bitch, always remember that I’m your crazy
    bitch, and you know you LOVE me.

    – “You know you love me”. No mention of her loving him is there? How telling.

    • I’m sorry you were offended by this post.

      My husband and I joke around a lot. I guess it’s a messed up way of still flirting with each other. It works for us, but not for everyone. I accept that.

      I’m sorry you did not enjoy it, but hope you have a nice night.

      • Roxanne says:

        Don’t apologize to this mess, Kelly!! You’re not the jerk whisperer! Someone needs a dose of his own medicine.

        If you can’t take a joke, John, STFU and GTFO!!!

        • Lol – as my dating history proved, you’re correct, I am NOT the jerk whisperer!

      • Hahaha! If a guy wants sex then he best figure out how to get his wife in the mood. Gone are the days where we have to give you sex. Why housework you say, because if you’ve done that for her then perhaps she might have some energy left for sex. Dear John we’ll just do 1 step at a time.

        • Again…why is it the mans job to get his wife in the mood. You aren’t “giving” the man anything. Sex is a two-way street and both sides enjoy it. It is not a gift that a woman bestows upon her man.

      • That post did not deserve an apology! It was all in good fun. Some of us just need to learn how to take a joke.

    • I should add that I did have one child with an epidural and then one with no medication of any kind. I even refused their benadryl after my first experience being negative with labor meds…

      Anyway, my husband was pretty much in awe for quite some time after that and I still think he is… I, personally, felt surprised that he wasn’t already aware of what a bad ass I actually am. He said he’ll make me do it one more time just to make sure…. so I guess we’ll see.

      I digress, my beer awaits…

    • Dude, this is meant to be funny… I will give you the only thing you need to know about women and love, if she isn’t talking about you she doesn’t want you. This is a community that jokes about ourselves,our husbands and kids- if we hated them we sure as hell wouldn’t give a thought to putting them on our blogs. Go kiss your wife on the cheek, tell her she is beautiful and go get laid…

    • becca sol says:

      Oh Dear! Someone’s wearing his crabby pants! – I have found MANY, MANY nasty, chauvinistic and downright caveman era comments that guys find SOOOO hilarious! We women just shrug it off – consider where it’s coming from – and move on….take a page Crabby Man!

      • Everyone is coming from somewhere with their response… I think “John” was coming from a place of personal offense which is not how it was intended… it was just all in good humor, right? 😉

    • Haha I think John stated a great perspective from the men’s point of view…I can see humor in both&it just made my day!! Thanks to you both!!:)

    • Why are you assuming that a ‘sports obsession’ doesnt cost money? Just because you choose to watch sports on TV doesnt mean that other people dont spend money on them….. its why you see people in the stands at the events you watch on TV. Sometimes they spend hundreds, even thousands of dollars to be there.

      • Plus, many of these sports packages you have to pay extra for and are a very expensive monthly subscription on top of the regular cable bill 😉 Just sayin’!

      • The occasional memorabilia here and there, tickets to games and PPV(which no one ever buys anymore thanks to the rise of online subscription services) are still marginally far apart when you consider the main premise of the opposing hobby’s main premise is spending money, and loads of it. As a longtime football fan, the amount I spend on my hobby per month is less than the price of a quarter pounder at McDonalds. Can you say the same?

    • Awesome reply!!!! I agree with you 100%! There is so much wrong with this post – and therefore so much wrong with relationships because of this way of thinking. Women, grab some brains and balls and stop belittling your men!!!

      • Even Maya Angelou quotes in her book that poking fun at each other is healthy and in good fun. She was a wise lady. Also, John and I have talked off line and made amends so no need to spread any hate in either direction!

    • Dear John- You’re already getting a lot of crap for your responses, but I, as a married woman, think they’re SPOT ON. Lists like these make women look and sound like fools. I would never demean my husband or any prior boyfriend by acting like the woman in this list.

    • I’m gonna guess you’re not married….
      and if you are, I feel really really bad for her….

      great article!

    • Responding solely for myself here:

      1. Because I don’t care if we have sex. Ever. The onus is on him.

      2.Try having a period, then go ahead and comment.

      3.Game tickets, jerseys, beer, sports equipment. When you track these things down for free, please let me know so I can share these amazing resources with my husband.

      4.Get off my ass and pick up someone else’s dirty towels off the floor, wipe someone else’s pee off the toilet seat, and remove someone else’s beer bottles from the living room? No thanks, John. I’ll keep “nagging.”


      6.If you want me to tell off your mom and ruin your relationship with her in the process, no prob. I’ve got a mom of my own anyway.

      7. You are right. Many men do drag their asses to work, even when they are run down and sick. A very slow, painful, exaggerated drag. But women are the dramatic ones.

      8. If my husband or myself wanted to communicate “shut the fuck up” to one another, then it’s time for us not to be married anymore. If this is how you feel John, I really hope you’re not married.

      9.”…the next child you have has to be birthed with NO pain meds or pain management, and no pre-scheduled c-section. Then MAYBE you will be allowed a moment of sympathy.” …Because there is no pain associated with having a child, as long as I have pain meds and a scheduled c-section? Thanks for that incredible wisdom, John. Next time I can barely move for a month after I have a c-section, I will haul my ass to the doctor to see what the fuck is causing all my pain and discomfort!

      10. Who hurt you John? Who hurt you??

      Sorry Kelly. Clearly, you take the high road. I could not.

      • “Because I don’t care if we have sex. Ever.”

        Wow. The idea that women don’t like sex is one of the biggest myths of all time. So…

        Either a) you’re full of sh*t, or b) there’s something wrong with you, your husband, or both… cause you most certainly should want to have sex… at least sometimes. And if 100% of your apathy is because of your husband, than I feel sorry for you; that doesn’t sound like a very fun marriage… you’re missing out, whether you know it or not.

    • You point out some of the BS in this post, and everyone’s like “ah, it was just a joke”. Yeah right!

      It’s not a joke; it’s exactly how most woman I know think.

      I’m so sick of this “Happy Wife: Happy Life” sh*t. How about happy people, happy marriage? Once upon a time the man ruled the home, and now it’s like woman want recompense and so they think they should get to rule it. No, if you’ve got a real, good, relationship, than both people’s feelings should be considered. My wife and I have a fantastic relationship, but she is NOT my boss.

    • Well, since my husband and I most definitely do NOT have the kind of relationship listed above, I would actually tend to agree with on most of your points. And as to the child birth all natural twice and the third emergency c section and my husband was there for all and had to deal with me practically breaking his hand. I totally agree with the shopping one, I personally hate to shop and still tease my husband about his NASCAR obsession. But for the majority, if our relationship was like the first list, I do not believe we would have been together from the time we were high school freshman to present day, 24 years BTW.

      • Haha Charlotte. My poor husband, during my natural childbirth (first was epidural), I was ripping my hands into his neck when the baby was crowning, and he had stitches that I forgot about – yikes!

    • Exactly the kind of guy to stay clear of! Far far away! Obviously not one ounce of respect for woman & wouldn’t know how to treat one if he had them…..sounds like he got burned & is miserable now, gee with this attitude I don’t get why any woman wouldn’t want to be with you!

  5. I am willing to bet that John is still single!!
    With very good reason -what an asshole!
    Thanks for the great laugh Kelly!
    I guess thanks also to you John we are all getting a great laugh at you too!!!!

  6. My husband and I discussed this as a couple and we ended up agreeing (the most part) with you Kelly. The only one we did have to sign on with John is the period one ( you are able to go bat crazy and be a you know what just not ALL THE TIME. That’s both our limits lol) and the trump card (we didnt really agree with him but it was more of a “of course you’re entitled to empowerment you pushed a human out of you for goodness sakes!!! Just don’t let it get out of hand” discussion lol) just thought I’d let you know another mans opinion lol

    P.S. my husband thought your post was funny, as did I :) keep up the great job lol

    • Thanks! Luckily, my husband isn’t too familiar with the period one because I’ve been either pregnant or breastfeeding for the greater part of the last 4 years so I think I’ve only had like 5 periods, but every time I start feeling really angry and am like “what is wrong with me?” Then a few days later…. anyway, one comedian said it best, “women have so much evil in their blood they have to drain it once a month” hahahahaha

  7. At first I was thinking John was your husband and that comment would be a hilarious rebuttal. But, then it got all mean. Geez, John, be nice. And, to your husband, I apologize for even thinking that could be him. However, could be a funny post if he did have one. (;

    Love your stuff, Kelly!
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  8. You are so funny! I am dying over #5 and #9 and sitting here saying “Amen!” to all the rest. Now for how to subtly send this to my husband’s inbox…
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  9. Ladies, ladies please.. Go easy on us sometimes. But yeah, even though you’re crazy, that you’re quite unpredictable, that your mood swings are beyond crazy… We still love you. 😉
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  10. Wow! What a comment thread. I loved this post. Especially the 5 year trump card, the nagging, and the cold. How can we deliver this to all men via subliminal messaging?

  11. It is a great post about a the things a husband needs to do in order to keep his wife happy. See my story at http://mickterryblog.blogspot.com and tell me where he went wrong? I think he has done a little too much
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  12. Plenty of female responses that praise this list and seem to think it as not a joke. It’s only a “joke” when John puts up a valid response. Otherwise, the females and unuchs on here are all for this list.

  13. Kelly, this only partly explains why women are crazy irrational beings. I can see 1-10 munus #9 as being manageable. But I can see a man doing these things but still have to beg, harass, vent, I try not to make threats like most women, and still get turned down or get the rules changed.

    It appears to me that soft, helpful and mostly submissive men (with som e chauvinistic traits ofcourse) get pushed around by their loving wife. While the more aggressive dont give a f*** type men get their wife to be more yielding and patient.

    I know some people may say well fear isn’t respect. I dont want to be feared but women is accountable to show appreciation, patience, and understanding when their husbands wants to bang their brains out.

    • Tried my best says:

      Gents – take this with a grain of salt because it is based off a sample of 1 in the new unchartered territory.

      From my personal experience with listening to the “we want you to do more housework” never worked as promised and has totally backfired. For years I applied myself to the “non-traditional” roles – kitchen, laundry, dishes, from caring for kids to groceries to laundry to ironing . I’,m quite positive, so taught myself to enjoy it (hanging out clothes in the unshine). All with less and less intimacy and no recognition – in fact if I mentioned it as part of trying to show her I was trying she would take it the wrong way.
      I am very well qualified and intelligent strapping sportsman who doesn’t watch sports, and has a big salary. My experience is that the more I did, the more it freed her for an active social life – work nights out, girls night out, trips away to catch up with girlfriends.

      We are now separated on the road to divorce. On the day of the final blow up I had supposedly got one grocery item wrong (which I hadn’t – the correct item was in a different bag), after taking kids to activities all day while she sat on the couch all day watching tv. I listened, tried my best, but now our kids have a broken home. What should I have done differently?

      I’ve since learnt there have been studies which show that couples in which men help with housework have less physical intimacy, which aligns with my personal experience.

      Maybe a women feels guilty on some level if she is outdone by her spouse. Maybe be careful to help a little but not do too much. Maybe once a man submits, the challenge is gone.

      I’m also not sure women know what they want. I’m certain it changes in the short term as well as the long term. What a man wants is quite straightforward and has not changed for millions of years lol. But what they have is always changing.

  14. Phildeeznuts says:

    If this is such a joke why is everyone badgering the guy who didn’t laugh? Than speaking of printing and posting it, really? Are you going to post it on the wall or fridge which am sure your husband owns, you’re asking yourself how do I know Kelly? All your post are in the a.m. Which tells me you sleep all day and escape to the cyber world to badger your husband/men for giving you a home, car, ect… I don’t get it, well why don’t you post it some place where your father or whoever was a male role model to you can see it? By the way I have two daughters, I will make sure that they don’t end up with your mentality, hypocrite. Remember a daughters first love is her father so post it where he can read it.

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  17. I dont understand number 6.

    please explain in more easy way.

  18. A wise man once said “behind every joke there is some truth”. Maybe this was meant to be funny, and while i found #1 to be very true, as funny as it might be to the majority of the responders (mostly women), I have to agree w/ John. A lot of this nonsense is an easy way to avoid responsibility and assign blame when unable to be accountable for your actions. I’m not sure when it became cool for a woman to bash her husband, and I gotta say to the author, your husband must be some sort of push over if he finds this at all funny and allows you to treat him with your brand of “humor”. A woman having a period does not give them the right to talk down to their husband just because of some shitty biological hand you were dealt with at birth. To me, that is abusive behavior. A man shouldn’t accept that either. Having kids. Weren’t they agreed upon before hand? Did your husband put a gun to your head? Just because children came from your body doesn’t give you the right to think you’re always right. Because you’re not. Not even close. You women married us too. It wasn’t magic that one day you woke up and poof we were there. Those beautiful babies you had wouldn’t be there if it hadn’t been for that man you are so “jokingly” bashing. Think before you write this nonsense. Your life is not a prime-time sitcom and you should be embarrassed to portray it as such.

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  20. One good rule of thumb is to be as tolerant of your wife’s flaws as you would like her to be of yours.

  21. Don't be so sensitive. says:

    I thought it was hilarious. I think the men commenting on this thread maybe somewhat have some valid points but at the same time when did you guys get so super sensitive. I sent this to my husband and we laughed about it. Especially about the man cold because he is just getting over one where I kept telling him he was not dying (lol). I have had 2 babies and I can say (along with my husband) that the man that said this shouldn’t give us any entitlement because we are the ones that have the children, you are so wrong. You come back after you go through child birth with or without medication it’s still child birth. Even a scheduled c section which I had with one of my children is no walk in the park. For the first 2 weeks you can hardly walk let alone doing all the feedings with no sleep and raging hormones. The fact of this post is supposed to be funny but I agree with 99% of it. Men (and I don’t know about all) but its nice to not be degraded that we have a smaller, less appreciated job because we don’t make the money you do but in no way is it not a job. Being a wife and a caretaker is a wonderful job but at the end of the day and very selfless and thankless one. If it means that once in awhile you help with the dishes or do something around the house to help us because we sometimes get exhausted with dealing with children all day, good on you! You deserve to be treated well, you provide for your family, we are not saying in any way you do not do enough. Sometimes little actions are all the gratitude we need to want to satisfy you. I could go on forever but my point was that you came to read this thread, you were offended, how about instead of replying or correcting you go hug your woman and ask if there is anything you can do to help her today and maybe in turn she would ask you the same (as if your clothes wasn’t in the washer, and your supper isn’t being cooked tonight.)

  22. Tina Marie says:

    My boyfriend and I read this and thought it was funny! People need to realize this is not literal- it’s a mindset. Put your wife/girlfriend first, think about and respond to her needs and she will be happy and so will you! Women obviously should keep the same principle in mind for the men they are with (or women, etc). Why then is there so many of these articles based towards what men need to do? Because traditionally women were (and still are) treated very subserviently in a relationship. No right to deny consent to sex, and expected to go between childbirth and household chores, and treated with abuse and little to no respect. Things are changing in out society but there are definitely still people who still believe that’s the way things should be.
    In short, we shouldn’t apologize to men who assault us verbally for wanting things like knowing we are listened to, being wined and dined until we are in the mood for sex and not just doing it cos he wants it. A real man wouldn’t need to be instructed to look after, cherish, and respect his wife! Think about the message people!

    • I’m glad you knew it was humor… I also find it funny when women are the ones who take it too seriously yet for hundreds of thousands of years men literally, not jokingly, treated women horridly.

  23. Kelly I would appreciate it if we could all see you’re top ten rules that wives should live by. To see what kind of mentality you have with it all.
    And John to you…need to lighten up bud. I’m not even gonna request the top ten rules we all know your disgust.
    And Mike I’m with you on this ‘humour’

    • I think we talked via email, but I am working on a post of reasons I’m surprised my husband hasn’t left me – another humor one not serious of course. I have had too much on my plate lately and am emotionally cracking so I haven’t finished the wifey post but gosh darn-it I will!

  24. I’m sad. I’m sad that more people don’t behave with compassion, consideration, love, understanding and gentleness, especially with their spouse. Don’t you still feel crazy for each other? Don’t you want to teach your daughters to be happy? Don’t you want to teach your sons to be happy too? I’m really not kidding here. Being a strong woman doesn’t mean you should bully the men in your life. Stop listening to so much Pink. Our husbands are worth so much. Look at him and thank him for the things he does. Appreciating him will put you both in the mood. Remember when you used to get laid a lot? You were happy then, right? Ask for his help, and be reasonable. It’ll work out.

  25. LOL…sounds like John isn’t getting laid.

  26. I think this kinda thing would be more well received if you included a list of rules for women too.

    Then both guys and girls could see the fun of it, and the little bit of truth in each.

  27. I’m sure this is a joke, intended to be funny. I think more women should read ‘ Wife School’ by Julie Gordon.

  28. yarightguy says:

    hmmm. This is crazy but true. clean the house or no sex? I’d rather wait her out. I was raised right and I clean very well, but there is no f’en way i’ma work for sex after I married this woman and gave her my life and agreed she is the only woman for me. You all have 1 card. and you play it very well. Fix your on car…shovel yourself out….fix the house yourself……your not the only fish in the sea.

  29. Jim Henson died of basically a cold – which turned into pneumonia

  30. How to be a slave – 10 steps.

  31. Some thoughts:

    2. I love how woman act like they can’t control their bodies, but men are expected to control theirs. Woman acts like a psycho while on period, perfectly fine… man wants sex… he’s being a vain, chauvinistic, pig. Guess what, a man’s desire to have sex is biologically HARDWIRED into his brain, just the same as a period is biologically unstoppable. The mere concept of monogamy goes against the grain of a man’s biological instincts, and yet your man has opted to control those urges and be with JUST you… and most men control their urges and mostly leave you be when they want sex and you don’t… so don’t act like it’s unnecessary or impossible for you to return the favor and at least attempt to control your emotions.

    7. The idea that women can tolerate pain better than men is such a joke. I once walked around for 24 hours with a broken arm and went about my business until I finally went to the emergency room. I would LOVE to see my wife do the same! (Well I wouldn’t, but you know what I mean). Go on, get someone to punch you and your husband in the face with the same amount of force and see who has a harder time dealing with the pain…

    9. I will admit, unlike some of the items in this list, this one does seem like a semi-joke… with that said, it’s still BS. One has nothing to do with the other. Just cause you decided to have a baby doesn’t make you always right… and if anyone seriously believes that, they’re out to lunch. Child birth IS DEFINITELY difficult, but stop patting yourselves on the back so much, it doesn’t give you free rein to say and do what you like.

    And again, no, I’m not taking this too seriously, because whether the author meant it or not, unfortunately, A LOT of woman would believe this list to be stone cold fact… which is crazy.

  32. SSSooooo… While everyone is bashing the opposite gender because of this list, for the last ~3/4 of a year, lets bring up another old topic. The toilette seat. Enjoy debating this one everyone.

    I did like this post though, ’twas good for a bit of a laugh and only slightly irritating while reading the comments of the women that follow these as laws.

    PS: I believe that this feminine supremacy thing should go out the window and that we should all be equal. Look at an author in Canada that is a major feminist, she is trying to change the National Anthem because it has the word ‘sons’ in it.

  33. Usually when I’m trapped in a sexless relationship, I simply find someone else to have sex with.

    I don’t really invest much in people that treat me badly. I can only imagine taking abuse from someone a couple of times before I send them on their way (in handcuffs if need be). I don’t believe whether or not she was on her period would matter at all to me.


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