Bedtime: The Reason Parents Drink


Umm ya, I think all parents can relate to this blog post about the bedtime chaos... funny stuff ;-)

Bedtime is to parenting as The Jersey Shore is to New Jersey.  Everyone could do without the “situation,” but it’s here to stay.  It’s the time of the day when moms and dads everywhere begin to question if they are a parent or if they are actually the World’s Worst Circus Ringleader as their children engage in a gymnastic wrestling match even Russia can’t top.

It’s a reasonable possibility that I’d rather go to the DMV than get my kids ready for bed.  Seriously.  By this time of day, everyone is fried, yet there’s SO much to do that requires energy and patience.  Between feeding, brushing teeth, bathing, stories, songs, etc., I’m surprised I even make it to the end of the nightly shenanigans with any hair on my head at all.  I call bullshit too, by the way, on the whole “tear free” shampoo thing because in my house, this time of night is FULL of [fake] tears that come with an accompanying cry which sounds more like a dying bird than an actual human.

I think I see the most tears when it’s time to brush my 3 year old’s teeth.  When he wails and moans about having to do it, I’m like, “Ohhhh you don’t want me to brush your teeth???  Well, I ‘d rather stab myself in the eye with this toothbrush, but I’m trying to get parent of the year here and that’s not going to happen if all of your teeth fall out so open your mouth before a monster jumps out of your closet and opens it for you.”  Just kidding, I would NEVER say that I’m trying to get parent of the year.

After brushing his teeth, then it’s onto “I wannnnttt tooo skip the bathhhhh.”  At this point, I’m more keen to negotiate because I’m well past ripe for my own “bath” aka drowning myself in chardonnay and pinning inspirational quotes so it looks like I care that I have never done any actual physical activity in my yoga pants although this bedtime battle may count…

With the advent of skipping my toddler’s bath, I’m one down, with one to go, and running on “E.”  So usually, I’ll go straight to pj’s for the baby as well, which seems like it would be easy except that attempting to dress a mobile, wriggly baby is like trying to hog tie a rabid spider monkey.  Seriously, why aren’t there more buttons on baby pajamas?  I mean, they are just one button shy of landing me in a straight jacket.  If you’re going to take it this far, why not go the distance Carters?  Weak.

By the time both of my kids are in pajamas, they’re “technically” ready for bed, which means we must begin the not actually necessary routine. 

You know what I’m talking about – the routine that has to be exact or you have to start all over routine.  The reading the same book for the zillionth time, the I’m thirsty, need a hug, you missed a verse in the 14 hundred line Wheels on the Bus song, I dropped my teddy bear, I need another hug, a capillary on my baby toe isn’t covered by the blanket, but you forgot a kiss, jump up, turn around three times, wink while lifting one leg, and go the fuck to sleep routine. 

Then comes procrastination via the potty, which using during the day could be more repulsive than the thought of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West having a baby together, but bedtime… well, all of the sudden the potty is where it’s at!

The other night, when it was finally time to turn out the lights and walk out the door approximately 3 seconds shy of me losing my shit in a very serious way, my son cried out, “WAIT Mommyyyy. One more thing.” 

Biting my tongue as hard as I could I asked, “yes dear?”  To which my 3 year old replied, “Good night mommy, you’re the best,” and….. didn’t I feel like the biggest ass in the world for being annoyed that he was standing in the way of me and a box of the finest wine money can buy?!

Then, once it was all said and done, and both kids were actually sleeping, I found myself getting off of the couch, peaking in their rooms, and risking it all just to catch a glimpse of their sweet little faces sleeping so peacefully. 

WTF is wrong with me??  Oh that’s right, by that point, my judgment was flawed thanks to my love making session with Mr. Franzia.


mom blog bedtime makes mom drink image

I’ll take three please…


photo credit: tray via photopin cc


  1. Sounds like bedtime around here Kelly. Oh how I can relate to this and will say that they will do anything not to have to go to bed. My 2 year old even stands by my bedroom door now at least once a night to tell me in her best sad voice, “But I can’t sleep!” Yup, bedtime is torture, but that bottle of wine sure isn’t, lol!! Only takes 2 hours to make it to the wine!!
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    • Kelly says:

      I keep telling mine, well even if you can’t sleep it’s quiet time so you have to stay in your bed and be quiet… then I hear him rustling around, but I don’t even care what he’s doing as long as he stays in there because mom gets off of shift at 8pm around here!

      • Annie says:

        At least yours stay in their bed. I wouldnt care if mine were doing ninja flipkicks in their room or plotting their escape tactics to be utilized in their teen years, as long as they stayed. in. their. room. My 4 (almost 5 year old) needs me to be there every 4-5 minutes for one thing or another. I am asleep before him most nights, which means, I dont get my nightly date w/ Mr. Franzia:(

  2. Kim says:

    Try doing by yourself, I need the entire box after bed time every night. I try giving #2 a bath while my 2 yr old thinks he should help by climbing my back like a monkey. Then when I give him a bath my #2 starts crying because has to rocked to sleep, by the time I get him and return which is only 10 feet from the bath the whole floor is covered in water. That is just bath time. Every night is adventure for me wonder what tonight will be like. Lolol

  3. ER says:

    Best line…. “attempting to dress a mobile, wriggly baby is like trying to hog tie a rabid spider monkey”

    So true about all the babies I’ve ever watched! It’s like tortue for them to sit stil for .00002 seconds while you snap the 30 million buttons. Heaven forbid you mismatch a button and have to start over!! Oh my….

  4. Jennifer says:

    Holy crap I do believe I have found the only person who is not scared to admitt how mothers feel lol awesome job!

  5. Cody says:

    Oh my goodness! You are an awesome writer and absolutely hilarious!!! :)

  6. Kris Etze says:

    This must be the reason my sis always claimed that ” one child is one; two makes ten!” . My reason for one. You tell it like it is!
    Love it, Kelly.

  7. Irene says:

    You illustrate the bedtime drama so WELL! That is how most parents feel. However I think that having your date with Mr. Franzia or even your hubby is a MUST to feel refreshed for your kids. It’s good for everyone. Eliminating the bedtime drama is my specialty, so that I can punch out at have the much needed mommy time! You can learn more I love your humor to the real life mom experiences!

  8. Nikki says:

    Your writing is awesome!! This whole post is an exact replica of our home every night!! And I have seriously thought the same thing about the damn snaps on those sleepers! I am always telling my husband we are never buying another 1 of these blep blep blep sleepers again. I mean, do the people designing them even have kids?! Then I stop by Target “just to grab a couple of things” (yea right) and awww look at the new sleepers, awww it has stripes and a cute little bear head on the butt. I fall for the cuteness, and I’m sucked right back in. There has been more than 1 occasion where the “missed snap you don’t see until you’ve almost got the whole damn thing done” has almost sent me over the edge. Case in point, my morning yesterday- #1 kid the flu. As I was in the den changing my #2’s diaper, #1 yells from the bathroom that she’s going to throw up. I lock the baby gate and run to the bathroom- false alarm, no throwing up. I think “awesome, no vomit so far today”. I get back to the den and #2 has managed to get his sleeper unsnapped (thanks to the 1 snap I missed), his diaper off, and then decided to poop directly on to the carpet. And apparently that wasn’t enough for him, so he crawled through it. I was gone maybe 30 seconds- 35 tops. As I’m scrubbing the carpet I couldn’t help but wonder- where did my life take the turn that is just another normal Saturday for me?

    • Nikki says:

      … and my apologies for the length of my response… I tend to ramble when I’m sleep deprived.. .

    • *wiping away tears*

      Between the original post and your post Nikki I’m in tears. So funny, but so not funny. My kids are older, and I promise, it does get easier.

      Box wine rules. Except for the part where I need my hubs to bust in the top with his fist – so I can pull out what looks like a bag of blood for the last glass.

  9. Lawdy, Kelly, this is perfection! I was nodding and laughing the whole time, but the bedtime routine? I almost choked on my post-bedtime wine at “a capillary on my baby toe” not being covered by the blanket – comedy gold.
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  10. Kristina says:

    Omg I just love you. I literally read these posts and have to stop and go wait a minute…she must know me haha. I find myself re reading them while tipping back my goblet of Pinot after our shenanigans is over just laughing and being thankful that not every mom just stepped out of the parenting magazine. Keep up the good work!

  11. Carey Austin says:

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