Motherhood is Funny, but this Shit is Serious – The Great Debate: Ball Taps -vs- Birthing Babies

 

A tongue and cheek humor post about what hurts more - birthing a baby or getting kicked in the balls?

 

OH. MY. GOSH.

Everyone wants to know why our Nation’s divorce rate is climbing higher and higher, and I have the answer.  The new headlines ask, “Is it because so many women are working these days?  Is it because America just doesn’t value family?”  The answer?  No and no.

It’s because – wait for it…. this is good… it’s because (some) men are FLIPPING IDIOTS, and I mean MUCH bigger idiots than I previously realized.  Not my husband of course (in case he’s reading this).  I have uncovered information that leads me to believe that a percentage of men are missing some, if not all, of their brain.

I came across the idiocracy while I was looking at the analytics for my blog.  Apparently at one time, my little mom blog ranked third for the Google search phrase:

Does it hurt more to get kicked in the balls or have a baby?

I’ll let you digest that for a moment………… ………. … …….. . . . .. ….. if you’re like me, your blood pressure is rising.  Well, try Googling this phrase; Maybe even read some of the threads that come up for this search.

Yeah… now here, hold my computer for a minute…

WHACK!

I just triple ninja kicked my husband square in the nuts.  I’m waiting to see what’s going to happen…..

Ok.  He’s dropped to the floor, but as far as I can tell his asshole hasn’t fallen off yet, and his taint is still intact as well.  Still waiting… yet there’s no 8lb bowling ball emerging from his sphincter either.  Hmmmm, weird.  You might say that having a baby and getting kicked in the nuts are not even close to comparable!?!

Fine. I was just being a smart-ass.  I didn’t actually kick my husband because he’s not dumb enough to say something so stupid otherwise I would have kicked him and then promptly divorced him.

But, seriously, who the fuck asks such a dumb question?  Anyone who thinks that getting kicked in the nuts and having a baby are even remotely similar should have their balls cut off and put on display in a jar on top of the refrigerator just to provide a daily reminder of what a dumb piece of shit they are.

Let’s take an objective look at the facts.  A lot of men are babies.  I mean a little bout of the sniffles keeps them in bed for days.  I can’t believe men on these Google threads are actually saying that getting kicked in the balls hurts more than childbirth like they could tolerate childbirth for even a second.

I’ve long said that heaven [for women] is a place where all the men are pregnant.  After reading these idiotic comments, I would add that heaven would include an epidural free birth experience for the pregnant men as well.

What I would like is to find a man who has been shot in the sack.  Now he could probably tell us that getting kicked in the balls feels nothing like childbirth as I would assume childbirth is to vagina as bullet is to testes.

An aside so I don’t have to sort through a ton of hate mail from dudes who are pissed that I’m questioning their manhood – I’d like to add that apparently there are equal parts idiotic women out there that could be contributing to the divorce rate.  In the same Google search, I came across a thread where a woman, who was pregnant, asked if birthing a baby hurts more than having your period….. ummmm, ya.  So we see that some people, in general, are just stupid.  It’s surprising that genetic selection has allowed people this dumb to procreate at all.

With that, I’ll leave you with these words of wisdom:

If you’ve never heard of a “vasshole” (term credited to an unfortunate friend) or had your muscles slowly torn apart while an 8lb bowling ball emerged from your taint, then you should probably just shut. the. fuck. up.

Also, for every comment below that comes from a male who tries to argue with the above post, karma will eat one puppy and crap it on your face.  I realize that the preceding sentence makes about as much sense as someone asking, “Which hurts more – getting kicked in the balls or having a baby?”  The irony…

motherhood is funny blogging mom image

photo credit: jackace via photopin cc

Comments

  1. Lol, I just couldn’t help, but laugh hysterically while reading. After having giving birth vaginally to two kids, I can clearly say without a shadow of a doubt that hurts just a wee bit more that getting kicked in the balls or having your period!! I will leave you with what my grandmother used to say, “If one man were to give birth the human race would die off!” Enough said!
    Janine Huldie recently posted..Checkmate For Potty Training-No More Pull-UpsMy Profile

  2. julie says:

    My grandmother always says that if men had to carry their babies and give birth there would be a whole lot of only children out there!

  3. EmmaK says:

    I don’t know if it can hurt this much because this guy went out on the street and asked women to kick him in the nuts and he could talk through it! Maybe he was wearing a codpiece. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9bV_v9b8go

  4. Lynn says:

    Hmm, how to state this nicely and with some tact, while still being descriptive?
    While serving in our fine nation’s military almost 15 years ago, my husband experienced a horrific injury that resulted in his nether regions being basically torn apart, we’re talking “inside out”. Due to the nature of the maneuver (he was alone), he had to somehow stay sane, bandage himself, and then walk/crawl/evacuate himself more than 2 miles (fighting massive blood loss all the while) in order to find another human being and help. The medical staff immediately airlifted him out of country for emergency surgery, and it took 116 stitches to put all of the pieces back into place. He went through weeks of recovery, but healed amazingly well [and this is why we Thank God for international military surgeons ;-) ].
    I firmly believe that he is one of the few men on the planet that may actually understand the level and type of pain associated with child birth. Of course, he wishes he couldn’t!

    • Kelly says:

      Oh my goodness! I’m so glad that your husband is ok. I completely agree with you on his level of understanding.

    • amber says:

      The things these amazing soldiers do for our country! Tell your hubby his sacrifice is greatly appreciated- unless it’ll cause a riff for sharing that story lol! I sure hope he got an award…

  5. Larks says:

    This is hilarious! Men can be such wusses. When my husband gets a cold he acts like he’s on his deathbed. If getting kicked in the balls were really as bad as labor men would wear cups 24/7.
    Larks recently posted..The few, the proud, the vampire hecklers.My Profile

    • Kelly says:

      Maybe they should start wearing them because whoever was writing the threads I saw are at risk of getting kicked by outraged women everywhere!

  6. I not sure you made it clear, so I’ll sum it up here — Yes, indeedy, childbirth hurts. ;)

    Funny rant. Ellen
    Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms recently posted..The Best of 2012 Link-Up Par-TayMy Profile

  7. Lynn C says:

    I am pretty sure I have never laughed as hard as I did while reading this!! I have given birth vaginally to two babies in am going to be doing it soon for my third… My husband is a smart man and has told me he doesn’t know how I do it, and he’s glad it’s me and not him or else we would only have one :P
    Lynn C recently posted..PregnancyMy Profile

    • Kelly says:

      I wonder if the men who posted these comments have children because I feel like there’s no way you could say that if you’ve seen a child born…

  8. Marco says:

    “What I would like is to find a man who has been shot in the sack”

    One of our guys shot himself in the sac a while back, trust me it was not pleasant.

    American Soldier

  9. Melissa says:

    Kelly,

    Love your blog so much. I spent a day catching up and reading all your posts from the very beginning. :) keep them coming!! :)

  10. Devi says:

    Although i found this blog hilarious and know its all tongue in cheek, I can’t help but want to point out the obvious. We will never be able to tell which I’d more painful, there are too many variables. Perception of pain between men and women vary too much. Unless there’s a hermaphrodite capable of giving birth and having balls large enough to kick would we know the real truth. Maybe we’re the wimps!??

  11. Fiona says:

    Maybe if a guy was kicked in the balls every 30 minutes, then ten, then every 2 to 3 minutes to every minute for 2 or 3 hours we could say they are comparable experiences. I wouldn’t wish epidural-free labour on anyone though!

    A friend sent me your blog tonight and as the new mommy of 3 week old twins, I’m looking forward to reading your posts! It’s a brave new world for me.

    • Kelly says:

      Oh congratulations!! Good luck to you. I’ve heard twins are tough (obviously), but that down the road, it’s just amazing how close they are!

  12. sara says:

    It has been all I can do to keep myself from forcing my husband to read this and then kicking him in his freshly vasectomied balls. I had baby #4 6 weeks ago, naturally with no drugs while my misaligned pelvis felt like it was being ripped from me. This little bitch got snipped and can’t manage without large amounts of becoming and guiness

  13. sara says:

    It has been all I can do to keep myself from forcing my husband to read this and then kicking him in his freshly vasectomied balls. I had baby #4 6 weeks ago, naturally with no drugs while my misaligned pelvis felt like it was being ripped from me. This little bitch got snipped and can’t manage without large amounts of vicodin and guiness. yesterday he couldn’t even hold the baby so I could clean because it hurt too much. On second thought, I should probably just kick him.

  14. rachel says:

    I have heard those comments from men to often. Bill cosby once said that for man to understand childbirth he would have to stretch his bottom lip up over his head and multiply that pain by 10. My dear husband watched me go through hell with a delivery where my daughter chose to turn herself sideways with butt in my hip so I was in the most intense pain which he then felt in his arm and hand that were bruised and scratched later. He cried and said women are insane for having more then one kid :) I’m now on #4 and he babies me while pregnant, during labor, and for a period postpartum.

    • Kelly says:

      Awe that’s so sweet that he babies you! My husband only babies me once I’m showing a lot, but by then, I feel much better. It’s the first trimester that I need more help, but I think I just don’t seem pregnant yet then…

      • Fiona says:

        Same here! He was on my case in the beginning to sort and part with excess stuff (we’re in a 1 bed flat) and I was feeling seriously rough. Then nearer the end it was all, “don’t get up, let me get that for you” and “no darling, you’re too pregnant” – at that point I felt fine!

  15. Kelly says:

    Just came across this article this afternoon and then stumbled on this post! These two Dutch male TV personalities who are apparently known for doing crazy things on their show “Guinea Pigs” wanted to see how childbirth felt, so they used some sort of electro-stimulation technology that would simulate contractions felt during childbirth. There is a video in the article and it is hilarious! I think it should be a requirement for ALL men, maybe they’d be a little more sympathetic!

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/17/men-simulate-contractions-guinea-pigs-dutch-tv-show_n_2498088.html

  16. Marion says:

    So while intrigued at first, I kept reading ….well, yes childbirth hurts, man are different from us both physically and mentally! However, sadly enough the foul language take sit from being funny to sounding plain unwise, uneducated and plain totally judge mental man hater. You exclude you husband of course but the later statement puts him in his place. Doesn’t sound like a marriage or parenting blog that offers wise input just senseless raving without purpose other than causing us to have snotty foul attitudes toward our husbands and children. Kinda sad. I had my kids natural, no meds labored 24 hrs for one and 5 for the other (and I am not into all natural, just don’t like shots) and guess what…it hurts but woman do it all the time everywhere without our fancy medicine. Many woman are just spoiled. It is not that big a deal….the thing that changes it most is the mental attitude towards the process. If your language was cleaned up a bit it would be so much nicer to read, just a thought. I know a lot of people nowadays just don’t care about these things anymore…all the sadder for our kids to hear us as moms talk like this.

    • Kelly says:

      I do have an extreme potty mouth. I don’t know why, but I just always have…. makes me sound trashy sometimes I guess. My husband and I just have always enjoyed inappropriate humor together, and somehow, he laughs when I publish this stuff…. I started the blog to be more helpful, but then no one cared. When I would write totally inappropriate and funnier stuff, people loved it, and I actually started getting emails about how I had helped people feel better in a bad time or whatever. That was a nice reward so I think I will continue to publish more humor than “factual”/helpful, but I can work on cleaning up the language…. thanks for your input.

      • AJS says:

        As a fellow potty mouth, I don’t think anything of the language when used in a comical rant. Frankly, it’s what MANY women actually think, but don’t say because everything hss to be so damn PC and tidy these days. They ate just words, and sometimes you need to use more expressive ones to make your tone/point so I don’t get bent out of shape. I say as long as you can keep your kid from discussing vag-assholes (ouch!) and someone’s “taint” in their preschool class, you’re doing pretty well. I have a friend whose 5 year old will occasionally remind us while out “that’s a word we’re only allowed to use at home.”

        • Kelly says:

          Lol, I love it! I already know that I won’t be lying to my kids and telling them that I don’t swear. I’ll be teaching them that these aren’t nice words, but adults use them sometimes when they’re upset about something, but don’t FUCKING say it at school you little shit, ok? LOL just kidding! Thanks for the encouragement. I never want to offend people, but I also just want to be myself here…

        • chris says:

          “everything has to be so pc and tidy these days”? really? it seems like the average blogger these days wants to be as shocking as possible to get readership. Apparently having a “potty mouth” makes a blogger “brilliant” and “hilarious”. I’m getting a little bored with it.

  17. Stewart says:

    I once ate a tray of 24 assorted muffins: blueberry, lemon poppy-seed, cranberry apple, banana nut, even bran. Large muffins too, like you’d buy at the Costco, not the grocery store mini-muffins. I ate the first five or six out of hunger, and the next dozen I can only attribute to gluttony, but the the last half dozen were devoured by determination alone. A part of me wanted to stop – I was full, the muffins had become repulsive, and there was a disconcerting pressure in my chest. The other, stronger part of me knew that if I gave up on that muffin platter I would admit limitation. A limited man can rationalize his every weakness, turn away from every challenge, live his life within the narrow confines of comfort; that’s now how I live my life.

    But I digress.

    It took six days for my bowels to move, and when they did I shat a monolithic muffin block so wide it could not be flushed, so dense it would not dissolve with repeated flushing and so heavy it took two hands to lift. The measure of anxiety, pain, pride and love is indescribable, so don’t tell me I don’t understand childbirth.

  18. Meredith says:

    I love that you “triple ninja kicked” your husband in the balls–whether it was real or not. Just saying that that would make me feel powerful when I was really grouchy with my husband ;)
    Meredith recently posted..Gambling it all on the Neti-PotMy Profile

  19. C&Gs Mom says:

    I vaginally delivered my twins, 2.5 hours apart!!!! so any guy who wants to say getting ball tagged hurts more can come see me. I play soccer and the best ball tag I can give wouldn’t be even remotely compared to what I went through!

  20. Maple says:

    Great info. Lucky me I came across your site by
    accident (stumbleupon). I’ve saved it for later!
    Maple recently posted..MapleMy Profile

  21. Peggy says:

    Amazing things here. I am very happy to look your article.
    Thanks a lot and I am having a look ahead to contact you.
    Will you kindly drop me a e-mail?
    Peggy recently posted..PeggyMy Profile

  22. Leigh Baker says:

    Ok, I have GOT to get shit done….I’ve been on this site for over an hour cracking up! Thank you! You’re funny as shit! I’ll be sharing this later.

    Ahh….good times….
    Leigh Baker recently posted..Texts From Last NightMy Profile

  23. We stumbled over here coming from a different web page and
    thought I might as well check things out. I like what I see so i am just following you.
    Look forward to finding out about your web page yet again.
    comment gagner de l’argent facile recently posted..comment gagner de l’argent facileMy Profile

  24. Reggie says:

    In all seriousness, girls are just weak, that’s why guys can just take kicks in the balls. It hurts worse, but we are stronger!

Speak Your Mind

*

CommentLuv badge