As a follow up to my post “7 Things I Worried About Before I Had Kids,” I think it’s only appropriate to discuss some things that I never worried about before I had kids.
This is a list of things I never knew I would lose sleep over:
1. What I Ate Giving Someone Else Gas – Hello breastfeeding. Since when can I eat something and make someone else fart? Like anyone needs an excuse not to eat broccoli? Seriously…
2. What my Vagina Looked Like – If you have never taken a mirror to your nether-regions, post baby is NOT a good time for your first rendezvous. After my second child, it felt like my ass was going to fall off, so I decided to take a quick look-see. MISTAKEEEE. At first I thought someone had taped a picture of a drunk pug to my mirror, but reality quickly sunk in… I started to wonder, “does my clam has an uneven shell?” I can confidently say this is something I NEVER worried about before childbirth.
3. The Compounding Properties of Vaseline – Before kids, I never worried about leaving my Vaseline in the vicinity of other compounds that can be used to form a paste that has the viscosity of sun dried chewing gum. Oh the Vaseline. It’s probably best just to throw it out while you’re still pregnant, but if you have a boy, it’s recommended to use it for circumcision care. Just try to remember to get rid of it before you have a toddler that can find it. Don’t worry though. If you do forget and any of it ends up in your toddler’s hair, Wikipedia has a mere 14-step removal process.
4. My Cell Phone Being Microwaved – We’ve all heard of kids dropping mom’s cell phone in the toilet, but I have a friend whose child actually microwaved hers. Now that’s a creative way to get attention. Fortunately, I recently found this military approved, waterproof iPhone case. Although, I don’t think it was microwave tested. I’m just pumped that I don’t ever have to be apart from my iPhone because I was having separation anxiety during my weekly shower. Let’s just hope I don’t accidently Facetime my boss or something.
5. Anyone Other Than the Dog Drinking from the Toilet – I opted out of the toilet locking step of childproofing. I can’t remember whether I locked my car before shopping at Wal-Mart, so how am I supposed to open a MacGyver proof toilet in an urgent situation? I figured I wouldn’t be able to, so I didn’t get the toilet locks. Another BIG mistake. Shortly after my first-born was walking, he proceeded to take a toy cup and drink from the toilet. After throwing up a little bit in my mouth, I bathed him in Lysol and hung him out to dry for 3 days. Now, I would strongly recommend locking your toilets folks.
Ok, so I haven’t really lost sleep over any of these, except maybe the one about my jacked up box. I never knew there would be so many arbitrary things to worry about as a mom. What random things have burdened your parenting days?