It really sucks when someone negates your feelings. Have you ever had a situation where you were upset about something, and someone said, “Oh, it’s not that big of a deal.” You probably didn’t walk away thinking, “Wow, they’re totally right. It’s not that big of a deal. Thank goodness they pointed that out. I feel so much better now!”
More than likely, you walked away angry because you wanted to be heard and validated. Instead, you were completely invalidated. And… it sucked. It certainly didn’t make you feel better about the situation or improve your relationship with this person, right?
Something like this happened to me the other day. Except, it wasn’t a peer who invalidated my feelings. It was my toddler.
I was upset, and my child came over to console me. He said, “It’s ok mommy. You’re ok.” Then, I noticed that he started saying the same thing to anyone who was upset.
Now I had read a long time ago about the importance of allowing my child to decide how he feels when hurt or upset, so he didn’t learn this “you’re ok” BS from me. I always make a solid effort not to say, “you’re ok”, but it is so engrained in our society that my child has learned it anyway.
It seems that our society is mildly uncomfortable with emotion, especially if a male is showing it. Little boys are raised to “brush it off” only to become husbands of wives who are frustrated by their inability to communicate feelings and lack of empathy.
At times, I have been told that I’m going to “raise a cry baby” because I hug my child when he is hurt or upset. I never tell him to “brush it off.” I ask him where it hurts. Sometimes, I explain to him that even if something hurts now, he will heal and be ok eventually. I make sure he knows that my husband and I are there for him in the mean time.
It’s interesting to see the effect of this approach on him as he grows up. These days, he doesn’t cry every time he falls. He only cries when he is actually hurt or when he’s embarrassed. Although, somehow, he’s decided that I’m “ok” if I am upset, so I’ll have to keep working on that one…
Nonetheless, I will always be there for him when he is upset even if it means that some people will think I’m raising a “cry baby.” I hope it will help him learn to be comfortable with his emotions, and you never know, his “feelings” might even make him human…
What do you think? Do you think I should try to toughen the boy up, or do you agree with my approach?
I’m involved with Victories of the Heart which is all about men owning their shit and getting in touch with feelings. Trust me, men are not taught to do this by most families, and society is not a big fan of men’s feelings.
Yet, it really messes guys up. I think the biggest lesson to learn is that it’s totally okay to be angry, sad, afraid, or joyful. It’s all part of the human experience.
Teach the child how to learn how to cope with those feelings instead of running away. That’s the healthiest way.
But yeah, you’re going to screw up your kid anyway. Every parent does. Part of the deal. Ha.
Delfin Joaquin Paris III recently posted..Let’s Get Fixed – New Feature
Love the positivity…. although it’s true that no one is perfect. Let’s just hope the children grow up knowing that we love them, and they can talk to us openly about anything. As long as they are confident and comfortable in those 2 things, then I’m comfortable that we’ll be able to work through any challenges despite me “screwing them up” as you say
I babysit a boy who has a tendency to overreact to bumps and falls and I had made up my mind that I did not want my son to be that way. He was 6 months when I started watching other kids. I decided to take the “shake it off” approach, but I must say after reading your take I feel much better that over the last 10months I have found it way to hard not to comfort my child wether he is actually in pain, overtired, or just in need of a hug. I thought I was just being weak but maybe its just what’s right for us. While I still don’t like whiney kids, sorry, it really gets to me, maybe I am not setting my kid up for that, maybe, like u said, I am just allowing him to share his emotions. This is the first time I have read your blog and I already adore u. I moved out of state about 5 years ago and have yet to make many friends especially being a stay-at-home mom for the last year and a half. It will b nice to log on and get rid of that “alone in this” feeling. Bless u for your adult/mommy companionship I have been looking for. Thanks.
Glad I can provide comfort to some! I too originally tried more of a “shake it off” because that’s what everyone kept telling me to do, but it didn’t feel natural. Once I started learning more about their emotions, I felt guilty that I ever had been not soft enough, but I guess it’s how we all learn. I’m not sure how old your child is, but it’s been my experience with my kids and family and friends’ children that all kids are whiny at times so I wouldn’t worry about it.
Also, do they have a “MOMS Club” in your area? I have found it to be a wonderful way to meet people in the same stage of life as me.
I hug and kiss all the time. If someone needs love I think there is never a time to withhold it. You sound like you are doing a fantastic job. I have heard it too but those people are wrong, not you.
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Awww thanks
I TOTALLY agree with your approach. I think you are so right about society teaching us to be uncomfortable with emotions. By giving your child a hug when he is upset you are giving him a sense of safety and love, and a strong foundation so that he can go out into the world and thrive. But you already knew that.
Laura @ Stroller Parking Only recently posted..Guest Post: Fearing A World Without Strollers
Thanks Laura! You’re too sweet.
I never thought about it like that-thanks for sharing that new take on things. I think my one year old will appreciate it!
It’s so hard because it’s so natural to say “you’re alright” or something similar, but I really try hard not to .
I comfort my three year old son all the time, even when I know he’s “ok”. I used to second guess myself but I realized that my son is very sensitive and cautious, and I’m thankful to have a child so in touch with his surroundings. And like I said, even when it’s obvious he’s faking I still comfort him. If he feels the need for comfort, he’s gonna get it from me.
Awe, I love that! The days can be long and hard, but I figure nothing bad can come from a hug