7 Things I Worried About Before I Had Kids

Life before kids must have been tough because I worried about some heavy stuff…

1.  Having Small Boobs – Although I used to like to say that I, “had the best A-cups in town,” I secretly was quite upset that I had small boobs.  I thought that, to a man, there must be nothing worse than small boobs.  Wrong.  There is something worse.  It’s called small, saggy boobs.  Maybe I can blog my way to a boob job some day………….

2.  If People Liked Me – I would get really stressed out if someone was upset with me whether it was my fault or completely unfounded.  Now that I have two kids, I’m just appreciative that there’s anyone out there who would be willing to admit they’re my friend in public.  I usually haven’t showered and am covered in baby puke.  Gross.  Wait a minute… has anyone admitted this in public lately?  I guess I would have to leave the house to find out….

3.  What to Wear – I rarely stress about this anymore unless it’s a big event.  By big event, I mostly mean if Matthew McConaughey decided he wanted to be my date to the next royal wedding.  Other than that, I’m just happy to make it outside without a nipple hanging out.

4.  Having a Clean House – They used to call me “Kelly if it’s not a right angle it’s a wrong angle.”  Maybe I was borderline OCD, but I’m much more laid back about my house these days.  I do, however, freak the hell out if any guest tries to take their shoes off at my house.  I don’t want to know what their socks would look like if they did.  I always wear something on my feet in my own house.

5.  Which Alcohol/Food/Water Combo Produces the Least Hangover – Before kids, I was very strategic about my drinking, mostly so that I could drink as often as possible and still work the next day.  Post kids, I’m more worried about how many sips of wine will leave me in a puddle of my own vomit in the driveway.  So far, it’s about 2 oz… tops.  Don’t judge.

6.  Pre-gaming – This goes hand and hand with the above.  I gave way too much thought to where the pre-party to the actual party was as if there wouldn’t be enough alcohol to consume at the real party…. better to show up partly drunk just in case.  Post kids, I get nervous about the pre-shit.  You know, the diaper you change with the shart that indicates the show is about to get started?  When I see it, I start to worry – how big will the main event be?  Will it be so powerful that shit shoots up my kid’s back and onto his head?  I never knew babies could shit on their own heads.  Better than my head I suppose.  Watch out for the pre-shit.

7.  My Husband Not Calling Me Back – I would get so upset if my husband wouldn’t call me back like it meant that I wasn’t important enough to him or something.  Now, I just worry that he’ll come back home at all after work knowing what he’s returning to…

To sum up, life before kids must have been pretty shallow.  Sometimes, I can’t believe the things I cared about and how empty of a soul I must have been.  All jokes aside, life with kids is SO tough at times, but at least my heart is full.  I love my two little boys more than life itself.

Hug your stinky little rug rats extra tight tonight

See my follow up post – 5 Things I Never Worried About Before Kids