1. Having Small Boobs – Although I used to like to say that I, “had the best A-cups in town,” I secretly was quite upset that I had small boobs. I thought that, to a man, there must be nothing worse than small boobs. Wrong. There is something worse. It’s called small, saggy boobs. Maybe I can blog my way to a boob job some day………….
2. If People Liked Me – I would get really stressed out if someone was upset with me whether it was my fault or completely unfounded. Now that I have two kids, I’m just appreciative that there’s anyone out there who would be willing to admit they’re my friend in public. I usually haven’t showered and am covered in baby puke. Gross. Wait a minute… has anyone admitted this in public lately? I guess I would have to leave the house to find out….
3. What to Wear – I rarely stress about this anymore unless it’s a big event. By big event, I mostly mean if Matthew McConaughey decided he wanted to be my date to the next royal wedding. Other than that, I’m just happy to make it outside without a nipple hanging out.
4. Having a Clean House – They used to call me “Kelly if it’s not a right angle it’s a wrong angle.” Maybe I was borderline OCD, but I’m much more laid back about my house these days. I do, however, freak the hell out if any guest tries to take their shoes off at my house. I don’t want to know what their socks would look like if they did. I always wear something on my feet in my own house.
5. Which Alcohol/Food/Water Combo Produces the Least Hangover – Before kids, I was very strategic about my drinking, mostly so that I could drink as often as possible and still work the next day. Post kids, I’m more worried about how many sips of wine will leave me in a puddle of my own vomit in the driveway. So far, it’s about 2 oz… tops. Don’t judge.
6. Pre-gaming – This goes hand and hand with the above. I gave way too much thought to where the pre-party to the actual party was as if there wouldn’t be enough alcohol to consume at the real party…. better to show up partly drunk just in case. Post kids, I get nervous about the pre-shit. You know, the diaper you change with the shart that indicates the show is about to get started? When I see it, I start to worry – how big will the main event be? Will it be so powerful that shit shoots up my kid’s back and onto his head? I never knew babies could shit on their own heads. Better than my head I suppose. Watch out for the pre-shit.
7. My Husband Not Calling Me Back – I would get so upset if my husband wouldn’t call me back like it meant that I wasn’t important enough to him or something. Now, I just worry that he’ll come back home at all after work knowing what he’s returning to…
To sum up, life before kids must have been pretty shallow. Sometimes, I can’t believe the things I cared about and how empty of a soul I must have been. All jokes aside, life with kids is SO tough at times, but at least my heart is full. I love my two little boys more than life itself.
Hug your stinky little rug rats extra tight tonight